Not Harmless

I went to a birthday party the once and although I am not usually a party person (small get-togethers are fine), I do like dancing and occasionally indulge myself in a night of sweaty club dancing out with the girls. That’s what this was. Heading out to a loud bar where we can barely hear ourselves think. Most of the people there were friends I grew up with. There was a mix of couples and singles and my boyfriend, while being more familiar with the group, was unable to accompany me. We made it to the club, grabbed a table and had a few drinks. After the birthday girl was thoroughly sloshed a group of us decided to go dancing. When I go to the bar to dance I have a rule of sticking close to my girlfriends and avoiding single men as much as possible. I don’t feel like trying to fend off a guy who is persistent despite telling him I have a boyfriend. This time though I was dancing with a group of people which included both single and attached guys. I was having an excellent time dancing with the girls when some guy whose name I knew was Max came along and decided to motorboat me. Initial reaction? Shove as hard as possible and take a deep breath for what was about to be the rant of the century. I was about to berate him when the birthday girl leaned over and said “Oh he’s harmless.”

I left immediately. I paid my tab off and I left. I didn’t even bother saying goodbye. Which is probably a bit rude considering it was her birthday but to be honest I was offended. Offended that when someone violated my personal space and I was going to defend myself I was told that he was harmless. I know this guy and the type of guy group he belongs to. He thinks that he is a gift to women and that any women he hits on should be thankful for it. He knows he’s attractive and because of this thinks he can get away with anything. Guys like this I can handle, but what I couldn’t handle was another woman acting like it was no big thing that he pushed his face into my breasts. Everyone was having a good laugh at the joke. Which is what it was being treated as. I have quite large breasts for my size and he thought the best way to demonstrate a joke about it was to dive right in.

Thinking that you have a right to touch a woman’s breasts because you are drunk and people consider your antics ‘harmless’ does not in any way make your acts forgivable. What he did was not harmless. What is even more harmful is the idea that men can act like this and it can be forgiven because ‘he doesn’t mean anything by it’ or ‘he’s always like this when he drinks’. What is harmful is being considered a prude because you won’t just go along with it and let someone touch you inappropriately. What is harmful is that women are being told this is normal and even they think it is okay for a drunken friend to touch them because he doesn’t mean anything by it. Every touch means something. A woman should not be told she is overacting when she accosts a man for motor-boating her without her permission. She should not be told she is over-reacting by anyone but especially not by other women. It’s hard enough facing men in those situations but not having support from other women makes you feel alone. Which is what I felt when I was standing on that dance floor with everyone defending his actions as normal and completely acceptable.

I have since distanced myself from this group and don’t see myself associating with them any time soon.