For the longest time I was denied the grief of being on the
receiving end of a breakup. Always the breaker upper and never the breakee,
phrases such as “It’s just as hard to end something,” and “I honestly understand
what you must think of me,” passed my naïve lips. Oh but what the world had in
store for me after 10 long years of breaking the news to poor souls that I no
longer loved them.
Just shy of three years my boyfriend sat me down and told me
I was no longer what he wanted.
Oh wait no that’s not at all what he said at all. In fact
the first time he tried to break up with me he told me I was everything he
wanted in a wife and a mother. I was perfect for him and he didn’t understand why
he was feeling this way. Glowing reviews! Compliments! Crying even! My god there
was crying. So sincere. How could I
not be sympathetic? I told him I’d work on things. That we would work together to get through this.
A week of his face in front of a computer screen later and
he told me it was over.
Let’s be clear. From
the outside looking in there were a hell of a lot of red flags that I should
have seen. Forgot my birthday for one. Told me he regretted buying my birthday
gift because it was fifty goddamn dollars is another. Biggest flag though? The
amount of time he spent at a friend’s house, a friend who happened to own a
vagina. They were study buddies and he reassured me that there was nothing
there. Told me stories of her escapades and how he thought it was weird that
people thought she was attractive. I want to die of embarrassment for not
seeing it sooner. He was her shoulder to lean on and blah blah blah blah. I
should have said something but I believed in trust and honesty and gave him the
benefit of the doubt.
Oh ho ho. How surprised was I when he gave me a plethora of
reasons to explain why he was leaving me?
It started with the pretty standard “we need space” and “maybe
we can try things later” shtick. I wasn’t falling for it. I knew all this
already. These were lies and he was trying to make me feel better. Oh how I sometimes wish I had just accepted
it. For some reason I needed more. He started giving more serious reasons
saying he’s been having issues since the previous year. Never told me I
retorted. I was angry that problems weren’t discussed with me. I was hurt that
I wasn’t worth the effort. I accused him of falling for another woman. He was
adamant that it had nothing to do with her. Oh yeah? Where are you going after
this because you sure as hell cannot stay here.
Her place? Oh right, of course.
More whys. Why why why. I begged and pleaded I told him I’d
work on things. I didn’t even know what I was promising since he never gave me
tangible problems! I was hopeful I could fix it until he finally dropped it on
me. “I have never found you attractive and you’re not my type.”
Oh wow.
Followed by.
“There are things about you that you’d have to get plastic
surgery to change so that I’d find them attractive.”
Shit.
Shitshitshit.
Well fuck. What the
hell could it be? Not my face. At least I hope not. I know he’s an ass guy and
I don’t have and ass but I could go to the gym or somet-
“Is it my vagina?”
To this day I have no idea what possessed me to ask. Oh god am I glad I asked though. He refused
to answer. I became furious. He countered that he never actually said he didn’t like my vagina and that I
had only inferred it. You fuck. What an
actual fuck.
The worst thing about it is that I actually considered it.
I asked him for six months to fix things. I could get a
butt, go to the gym, lose weight, whatever he wanted.
“If I give you six months I will lose her.”
Oh well then. I suppose that’s reasonable.
Does her vagina spit fucking gold coins out of it? Is her
vagina the holy-goddamn-grail? To him I guess it was. My vagina was a side road diner and hers was some sort of rotating restaurant on top of a
space needle or some equally as fancy shit.
Devastated was an understatement. It was brutal, and in my
defeat I thought he was right. Well fuck, my vagina is weird and wrong somehow. My
vagina is somehow offensive. My
vagina is so hideous that it drove my boyfriend away.
He moved all of his stuff out and into her lovely 'more than tolerable vagina' home two days later. I desperately wanted to remain friends and tried so
hard to play it cool and pretend like the things he said were reasonable and that
normal people tell their exes that they were never attracted to them.
They don’t. It’s a horrible thing to say to someone. In
retrospect I know why he said what he did.
He wanted to make sure there were no lingering feelings on my end. That I
would never want him back. Wanted to make sure that the breakup would make me
to furious that I would disown him and he would be in the clear to move on
because I would only feel hate towards him.
I mean it worked eventually; after I realized why he had
said those things to me. It’s taken a bit to recover and as much as I know my
vagina is actually pretty great it’ll be hard to trust anyone with my body
again
It’s been a little
over 5 months since the vagina incident and I can say with a clear mind that
the only thing I hope is that she doesn't have to endure the same degrading
comments when he does this to her.
